The Working Mommy's Manual

Let’s Play House: I’m the Mommy and You’re the Daddy

theworkingmommysmanual — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 00:47:28 +0000

So I conned my husband into going to a marriage seminar. At our church. He wasn’t drugged or bound and gagged. It truly was a miracle. The good news is it did bring us closer together as I swear I’ve never felt such love for him as when he offered to go to the bathroom and pull the fire alarm. The other bit of news is that I only snorted with contempt only once audibly. It happened when the speaker said we wives needed to be sure to remember to praise our husbands for their commitments to provide for the family. In an auditorium of a few thousand couples I can’t believe I was the only snort. This week Bloomberg published an article entitled “The Perfect Husband.” The article is a somewhat fair and balanced look at the growing trend of stay at home dads, particularly when they are married to powerful female executives. It wasn’t the article necessarily that disturbed me. However, the accompanying photos were really creepy. There were a number of staged family shots where the moms were posed like modern day Don Drapers while their seemingly submissive house husbands were posed like Stepford wives. I think I actually threw up in my mouth a little. The point being missed is that traditional roles exist less and less. I don’t want a submissive mealy-mouthed man at home taking care of my babies. At the same time I don’t want to feel insulted when sitting in a marriage seminar because my husband isn’t being told he should be patting me on the back for the efforts I make in the workplace for our family. I want a partner and I want to be a partner. The lines between traditional mother-father are being blurred to the point where we need to stop feminizing men who are caretakers and butching up women who are career oriented. If I wanted a housewife I’d be a lesbian and marry a woman. I love that my husband is a man with a garage full of power tools who is anything but feminine. But I also love that he can make the kids lunches, bath them, and cuddle with them just as easily as I can. So join me me in refusing to buy into these out-dated gender based-roles. We are partners who do not need to be boxed in by labels created to describe and define a time long past. Let’s create our own definitions of what it means to be a mom and a dad in today’s society who work and raise a family.

The F**ked Up Things We Say To Our Kids

theworkingmommysmanual — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 20:40:40 +0000

I’ve always thought of myself as feminist. I consider myself a strong, independent woman. So I’m not quite sure what possessed me to say to my son in response to his request for help with his video game that: ”girls don’t play video games. You’ll have to wait until your father gets home for help.” I’m sure it was out of pure exhaustion but it was not one of my finer moments, so sorry Gloria Steinem. My neighbor just told me that she had a knock down drag out battle of wills with her son about his lack of physical activity. It ended with her threatening to put on a bikini and prance around the house until he agreed to engage in some kind of vaguely athletic activity at school. This is enough to terrify any thirteen year old boy into submission. One of my all time favorite is my friend who used to tell her sons when they were being rambunctious that they would grow monkey hair because they were acting like monkeys. This worked well until they actually started to grow hair on their arms, legs, etc. and they started to believe that they were actually turning into monkeys. Bottom line is that we all have said things to our children that might not be “appropriate,” “healthy,” or “politically correct” but we can’t beat ourselves up about them. Because let’s face it, these are the children who can’t remember to brush their teeth on a regular basis, do we really think they are committing every word we say to memory? And even if they are these things are funny! So let’s learn to laugh at ourselves a little bit instead of beating ourselves up for not always parenting perfectly. Just remember the next time you say something you regret remind yourself that your child will not in fact develop low self esteem or join Al Qaeda. Instead giggle a little – you’ll feel better!

Big Girls Do Cry (just when no one is looking)

theworkingmommysmanual — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 22:57:28 +0000

When was the last time you had yourself a good cry? As working mums we don’t get to do that too often. Pretty much the last thing in the world any of us want to do is lose our shit at the office and validate any mushy female stereotypes we’ve spent years trying to destroy. The only thing we want to do less than lose it at the office is lose it in front of our children. My family just lost our dog of ten years about four months ago so I was of course a huge mess. My oldest son was clearly not okay with it – at all. I tried to explain that crying is a good things sometimes. He made it clear that while that might be the case for other moms I am expected to remain the pillar of strength regardless of what life throws my way. So while I’m struggling to pull myself together I’m also thinking that I better start socking away money in a special account to pay for Jack’s future therapy bills.

I’ve found the shower and sitting in a parked car in a quiet parking lot are my two favorite places to engage in the crying game. The shower is a natural choice since it is the one time I typically am alone - although let’s face it nothing is sacred when you are a mom. The parking lot trick I discovered accidentally as I actually started my meltdown while driving. For those who know me, driving isn’t my strong suit on my best days so I pulled into the closest place I could find with relative privacy. Which luckily turned out to be the lot around the corner from my office. I find it comforting to know that I have a refuge so close by.

It’s not that I’m a weepy woman who breaks down regularly. But even us “steady, well-adjusted types” need a cleaning cry every once in a while. I always feel better when I indulge myself. So why do I feel guilty about doing it? Why does it feel so uncomfortable to let folks know that I have human emotions that are perfectly normal? Have we really come such a long way, baby? Or as working moms are we now just extending the perception of perfection from our homes into our work lives?

So my challenge for you this week is to promise yourself that you give yourself permission to be a mess every once in a while. Because like I tell my son Jack: “Crying let’s the bad stuff out so the good stuff has more room.”

Calling Donna Reed!

theworkingmommysmanual — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 02:42:47 +0000

I apologize to everyone in advance because I am not a techie. But this clip from YouTube (which for the longest time I thought was spelled “utube”) is so awesome I had to face my fear and give embedded URLing a try: The World According to Bernadette

In this clip from “The Big Bang Theory” (which if you don’t watch you are totally missing out - nerd humor rules!) Bernadette tells her fiancée that she has solved the problem of her not wanting kids. He can be the stay at home dad and she’ll go out and live a rich and rewarding life among adults and he can be fulfilled by changing poopy diapers and picking Cheerios out of their child’s nose. His lukewarm response says it all.

The only reason this clip is hilarious is because the whole episode gets you so focused on what issues Bernadette must have for not liking children. Let’s face it, subconsciously we all think you must be really twisted if you are a chick and don’t want to have a couple of rugrats. Even I was giggling at her meltdowns at the kid’s birthday party. Whoo-hoo, isn’t it funny watching a grown professional woman crumble like a house of cards when confronted by a pack of smart-ass kids?

Isn’t it even mildly interesting that in our advanced day and age that the gender roles in this one particular area still seem so stuck in the 50′s.

I will give a shout out to my single full-time dads and stay at home dad (Matt and Ethan you guys rock). But for the most part dads like these are unicorns. Magical mythical creatures who you’ve heard stories about but never have actually seen with your own eyes. I remember when I told one of my male colleagues that I wanted my husband to be a stay at home dad, he asked me if I wanted to marry him. I told him I was pretty sure his wife wouldn’t be too thrilled.

I’m just putting this out there – I really want to hear what you have to say and what you’ve experienced. Because I’m willing to concede that I could be jaded from working in such a male dominated industry. I think the percentage of female financial advisors is really embarrassing – like less than 10%.

I don’t know about you, but I just get sick of defending my decision to have a career and a family. There are too many people who act like I must be missing a critical mothering gene because I also happen to love what I do. If I have one more 55-year-old guy give me the “sad eyes” when I tell him that I do indeed have children and work full-time I’m going to knock him into next week.

So here’s this week’s assignment: Come up with some fun and outrageous ways to encourage people to embrace gender equality when it comes to being a stay at home parent. I’d love to see a man or two quit his job to become a more fulfilled dad! I want some big ideas people! Surprise me, delight me, but above all inspire me!

Family, Inc.

theworkingmommysmanual — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 17:20:59 +0000

As working moms we juggle a HUGE amount on a daily basis: clients, meetings, making lunches, dropping off at school, picking up from basketball, doing the laundry, mopping the floors. The list seems literally endless. And somehow we all manage through. But that is just it! We shouldn’t just be “managing” through. I’m incredibly guilty of this. I’ll barely look up from the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I’m making for the boys’ lunches to kiss my husband’s cheek when he walks through the door at night. And he barely has time to take his jacket off before he is in the bathroom with the boys helping them get the soap out of their hair. By the time we have the boys settled and in bed we have a brief window of “together” time which is spent whipping up something for us to eat before I’m off to bed. It feels like this assembly line of “doing” from the moment we roll out of bed to the time we finally drag ourselves off to sleep at night.

We’ve become the machine. Welcome to Family Inc.

But I’ve heard from people who say this ends. I know it seems unbelievable but I’ve been told by several reliable sources that there will come a time when the buys won’t want my help bathing and wouldn’t be caught dead with a homemade peanut butter and jelly sandwich at school. And then it will just be me and my husband every night with nothing to do but talk to each other.

Scary, right?

It doesn’t have to be scary. If we commit to carving out time our husbands and nurturing our relationships we don’t have to lose the connections we have with them – you know the reason we married them in the first place. But we need to make a conscious effort and not let the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches get in the way.

So I challenge you to ask your husband out on a date this week. He will probably think he missed your anniversary or birthday so don’t be put off by the initial look of panic that you are likely to see on his face. The date doesn’t have to be fancy. You can reconnect just as easily at Dairy Queen as you can at Flemming’s. It’s simply a time where the two of you can spend time enjoying each other without interruptions. Just do it and let me know how it goes!

Which is most likely to be broken: New Year’s Resolutions or Waterford Crystal in the hands of your three -year-old?

theworkingmommysmanual — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 14:20:44 +0000

My favorite quote of the year so far was uttered by my friend January second. At a 7 a.m. meeting she plopped down on the seat next to me and declared: “It’s only been two days and I’ve already broken four of my New Year’s resolutions.” Actually it was a tie between that quote and one uttered by the body guards on the show “Pawn Stars” who said: ”If you’re a pimp and you are in a pawn shop you need to get yourself some better bitches.” But that wasn’t really in keeping with the New Year’s theme I’m going for so I’ll stick to my original choice.

My point is that New Year’s is yet another chance for us to set a bunch of high standards which we know deep in our hearts we’re destined to never measure up to. So I have a few tricks I use to transform my resolutions into the kinder, gentler version of what they were intended to be.

I start with the word itself. I mean the word “resolution” itself sounds slightly scary and anxiety provoking. So I skip using it altogether. I thought of going with “strong recommendations” or “deeply felt wishes” but my husband rolled his eyes and sighed deeply when I ran them by him. So instead I settled on “goals.”

Each year I spend the last week of December reflecting on what I want to accomplish in the new year. I write out a list of about a dozen goals. Yes, you read it right – a dozen! I find having a dozen is much less pressure than having just one resolution. So when I break one or two – because I know I will – I can say things to myself like: “Well, Nic, you’re still right on track with 80% of your goals. good job!” Instead of things like “You are such a loser! You can’t even do one thing right this year!” It’s all about perspective!

And speaking of perspective, I don’t view my goals as hard and fast, do or die, you’re either winning or losing propositions. I feel I’ve succeeded with my New Year’s goals as long as I’ve moved the ball forward. If I’ve improved by inches that is good enough for me. So for instance, my number four goal for three years running is: maintain body weight of 129. Now that hasn’t been a reality since I graduated high school. I may have flirted with it when I’ve experienced a bad stomach bug but for the most part I’m a little north of that number. But in my mind if I can stay within 5-10 pounds of that number I’m doing just fine. And if I start the year off by getting a little closer to that magic 18-year-old body weight, that is a check in the win column as far as I’m concerned.

So cut yourself some slack this year and hop on my”slacker resolution” bandwagon. Perfection is just an illusion. So stop beating yourself up for not being perfect. Celebrate your forward progress instead and I guarantee you’ll be a happier person for your husband, your children, and most importantly for yourself.

Got any tricks of your own you’d care to share? You know I’d love to hear them!

Happy New Year!

“Women Seeking Women”

theworkingmommysmanual — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 13:58:24 +0000

I had the most amazing experience two nights ago. My friend Kelli and I organized about 35 women for a night of activities designed to help us start off the New Year choosing happiness and kicking the general state of depression many of us have been experiencing for the last few years.

It started out as a typical girl talk between me and Kelli. We have had our own struggles these past few years, but her being in real estate and me working in finance has given us a bird’s eye view of the misery faced by our clients, our neighbors, our friends, and our families.

And quite frankly, we decided we were totally sick of it.

So Kelli said that wouldn’t it be wonderful if we got together all of the fabulous women we know to do the one thing we do better than men – and let’s face it that most men are incapable of doing at all: sharing feelings and talking. And more than that we’d do silly things to encourage each other to leave the bad parts of 2011 in the past and focus on being positive and happy in 2012.

Three weeks later I’m at Kelli’s house with 35 women choosing guide words for 2012 (like strength, release, and harmony) , fortunes for 2012 (Kelli had saved all the good ones from fortune cookies over the years), and writing down our commitments to ourselves for the next year. There was even a pen and paper to write down what we wanted to leave in 2011 and a shredder next to it shred it – literally and symbolically!

The night featured the local head of Fresh Start talking about their mentoring program. Fresh Start is an organization designed to help women who are struggling to get their lives back on track. No better way to feel better about yourself than to give back to someone else who needs a helping hand!

And what would a girl’s night be without wine! So of course, we ended the night with a wine tasting given by our local wine store owner, Laura of Vino 100.

It was a fun and festive night of empowerment that has made me look forward to rocking it in 2012!

I challenge each of you – men and women – to start your own positivity revolution. Because let’s face it there’s not a politician out there who is going to lead us out of this crises of faith, we can’t count on the media to play to our better angels, and there is no magic that will pull us out of our national funk!

We have to recognize that WE are our own solution.

So start planning how you are going to choose happiness! Become a self-rescuing princess. And let me know how it goes!

theworkingmommysmanual — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 22:20:21 +0000

If you’ve never been to a holiday leftover party you don’t know what you’re missing! I always feel so guilty when I throw out all the leftover holiday food because I just can’t eat the same thing again. So to keep my guilt at bay I started to throw a leftover party the day after Christmas starting about 4 years ago. All I need to do is make sure I have enough paper plates and napkins and get the ovens are warming up about half an hour before folks show up. It is amazing how tasty and wonderful everyone elses’ food seems! This is the one holiday party every year that I spend strictly with people I want to see. This is not just for those who celebrate Christmas. In fact the favorite dish every year is brought by my friends who celebrate Hanukkah: seared black pepper and sesame crusted ahi tuna with wasabi dipping sauce. Mazel!

No love during the holidays

theworkingmommysmanual — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 03:19:43 +0000

The holidays pretty much ensure that the little scraps of time we working moms carve out for romantic time with our husbands compeltely evaporates. It’s difficult to get busy when every free minute is spent shopping or wrapping. I’m not sure I’ve even bathed my children this week. I’ve given them the sniff test and they’ve passed. Which, really, in times like these (i.e. the holidays) is pretty much all that can be expected of us working moms. In fact, I probably should have at least given my poor husband a quickie rather than updating this blog but the energy needed for such an endeavor escapes me. No wonder suicides spike around the holidays.

About

theworkingmommysmanual — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 23:55:15 +0000

I’m a self diagnosed workaholic who fiercely loves my two young sons, my husband of ten years, all my fabulous friends, and my two insane rescue dogs. I struggle every single day to strike the right balance between all of them and it’s hard. I mean really hard. I’m hoping this blog will provide my sisters out there grinding it out every day with some commiseration to acompany their nightly glass of pinot noir! Can I get an “Amen,” ladies!